but we don’t know yet, do we?

by n'charlotte

I don’t know if it’s just me or does anyone else ever gets paranoid about their relationship so often. Is this normal? Is this healthy?

I know it hasn’t been long. Some say it’s understandable that there are many questions popping up once in a while at the beginning of a relationship. Some says it’s sign of being cold-feet which I should ignore. But I can’t. How can you when the past keeps haunting you till now? I know things have changed (for the better) (or at least I very much hope so) and that we are not the same now as we used to be. I’m not paranoid about the other person cheating, because I do (I think I do) trust that he won’t. My paranoia is whether he will ever like me as much as he liked his ex or whether I will ever mean as much to him. I know this is stupid, and annoying too. I try to convince myself that this shouldn’t matter and maybe he does if he’s willing to make all that effort for us to work. After all, he was the one to initiate the whole thing (not that I don’t want to. Of course I do too.) But why? Why me? Why now?

It’s only natural for one to want to find out why the other person is attracted to you/ what they see in you. It’s not a trick question is it? Should everyone have an answer for it? What should the answer be? Besides physical attraction – personality? Sense of humour? The fact that they make you happy even without doing anything? These seem to be the “standard” answers, so cliché that it seems pointless to even ask the question. Of course the person appreciate your presence and company and that’s why you’re together. Why would you be if they don’t? Then again, aren’t those criteria the same ones that you would consider when choosing your friends? So what makes this person stand out? What makes he/she more special than the rest that you consider them more than just friends? Feelings? Are these things explainable or are they just there – something that cannot be expressed in words? Do people just get together because they like each other? Is one capable of liking two or more people in the same way at the same time? Why then would you go into a relationship with that person if he/she’s not the only one who owns your heart in that sense?

Another thing, is silence a sign of a bad relationship? – one that is not working? Why have we become like this as soon as we’re “in a relationship”? The calls now seem obligatory, like a chore, just because “we have to”. But do we? Can we go on for days without talking? We didn’t used to be able to go on a day without texting 24/7 and finishing it with an hour-long phone call where we actually talk about stuff and no silences whatsoever. It was so different. What happened? What changed? What did we do? Friends tell me that this is a sign of doom that it should be put an end to. Is this the only possible explanation? Should I? Do I want to?

Friends vs the brain vs the heart.

The battle inside me keeps growing and I am trapped.